Written by:
Marini
It’s been
such a long time I don’t write in my blog…time constraint may be … or I think
there is nothing to share about since I’m express my feelings in my own diary.
A lot of
things happened to me lately… good things and bad things…I don’t think it is a
good idea to share everything…well, maybe I can share a few things only if it
is not too personal…
Hmmm…
happiness…what you can tell me about happiness?
Am I happy?
Are you
happy?
Every one of
us has our own definition about happiness. May be some people feel happy when
they are in love…or they feel happy when they have a lot of money…feel happy
when they get what they want…feel happy to have a happy family….feel happy
about being a great attention among their friends…feel happy to have a luxury
car….feel happy to have a child…and bla bla bla…
Talk about a
child…a baby…well, it’s been 5 years I
am married to my beloved husband…and there is no sign of having a baby…. Happy
about it?? Shit…of course not. When I read my friends’ status in their Facebook
talking about being pregnant and talking about their new born baby, I do feel
very annoying. Well, what to do? It is my faith… aku redha je la kan… I have to
accept it… I believe that Allah knows the best for me…I must keep those words
in my heart all the time… crying about this…? Don’t tell me la…I can say that I
cry a lot regarding of this matter. In
fact, when I feel so stress, I cry all the time… the question is….is crying can
make me feel better? May be… I will feel relief for some times…but not all the
time…so there is no point for me to cry anymore.
Go to hell
when people keep asking me the same question again and again… well…I lied…I do
care when people ask me the question… “Ko bila lagi Mar?”…”x kan x ada lagi”…in
fact my late mom always tell me… “haii…org lain sume dah ada…ko x ada lagi? Apa
nak jadi?” Tuhan je la yg tahu apa yg
aku rasa. There is no word to describe
my feelings…. That’s why I cry a lot…
I did my
treatment…IUI…well…I need to work harder. Some people get pregnant after doing
IUI so many times but I just did once, so long way to go. I need to be more patience,
pray a lot and let Allah does the rest.
So
people…stop asking me that stupid question… some people will not understand
that it is a sensitive issue to talk about…it’s ok…I won’t blame you…I’ll look
at the bright sight…you are asking about this because you care about me…I
appreciate it…but after this…please consider it is a sensitive issue to me…
So why
happiness is related to this story…?
My husband
asked me a very “BIG” question…? “Adakah dengan ada anak…awak akan rasa
bahagia, happy? Adakah kehidupan awak sekarang, awak x happy? Selagi saya masih
ada awak…itulah kebahagiaan yang sebenarnya.kalau kita tidak ditakdirkan ada
anak…saya tetap sayangkan awak!”
I was
stunned when he told me that… at that time I realized that I am not grateful
for what I have in this world… I have a very lovely husband, I have a career, I
have still my parents, and what most important thing is… I still can
breathe… I’m still alive…
He made me
see what is the true meaning of happiness….It doesn’t mean that when I can get
pregnant, I will feel happy and when I don’t get pregnant I will feel not
happy…I’m the one who have to define the meaning of happiness in my life… for
me…being with my husband is the best thing ever happen to my life and I’m happy about it
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